Photo Dump

Posted on by under Generic Rant, photos

I’m a word guy, but whenever I see something that evokes the absurd, I pull out my camera. Phone. Or whatever it is. When enough of them back up, it’s time to dump them on my unsuspecting readers. Consider them all to be writing prompts. There’s bound to be a story behind each one.

This week, here are some photos that capture certain facets of the weird world we live in.

This art exhibit gives the attendee the full "class distinction" immersion experience. (Note: This photo is actually from my daughter who also has a keen eye for the bizarre,)

This art exhibit gives the attendee the full “class distinction” immersion experience. (Note: This photo is actually from my daughter who also has a keen eye for the bizarre.)

3rd Ave at 2nd Ave?!? Is this a math or geography fail? Either way, some mail's gonna get lost.

3rd Ave at Second Ave?!? Is this a math or geography fail? Either way, some mail’s gonna get lost.

For the life of my, I can't figure out who can park here when. There are too many clauses. If you can parse this for me, I'd be much in your debt. Meanwhile I'll play it safe and park on the other side of the street.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out who can park here when. There are too many clauses. If you can parse this for me, I’d be forever in your debt. Meanwhile I’ll play it safe and park on the other side of the street.

It's bad enough that there's a store selling monsters at a discount, but look who's selling them...

It’s bad enough that there’s a store selling monsters at a discount, but look who’s selling them…

...a store for kids! We all thought the movie "Monsters, Inc." explained where the monsters under the bed came from. Now we know different.

…a store for kids! We all thought the movie “Monsters, Inc.” explained where the monsters under the bed came from. Now we know different.

Finally! A store that's selling something we can all really use. Check out the circled sign, lost in a jumble of useless shops.

Finally! A store that’s selling something we can all really use. Check out the circled sign, lost in a jumble of useless shops.

Sign at a local take-out shop. Risking their own business to do their parts to restore some semblance of civility to our technology-obsessed culture. Sign at a local take-out shop. Risking their own business to do their parts to restore some semblance of civility to our technology-obsessed culture.

Sign at a local take-out shop. Risking their own business to do their part to restore some semblance of civility to our technology-obsessed culture.

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Power drinks. Neither food nor nourishment, yet they’re in a cooler with that label. Go figure. What else can we expect in a nation where ketchup has been declared a vegetable?

Regression7-26

Believe it or not, this photo was taken in the cradle of American liberty, the birthplace of the American Revolution: Concord (MA) green. Yet they’re using the British term for the traffic circle! It’s a rotary, people! A rotary. Lorries don’t go around it, TRUCKS do! Next thing you know, we’ll be driving on the wrong side of the road! Stop the madness! Is this what we fought the revolution for? I say NO! Then again, who cares.

Bill Gates for President!

Posted on by under Generic Rant, Original writing

GatesHello, I’m Bill Gates. It’s late in the game but nevertheless I’ve decided to “throw my hat into the ring” for the 2016 presidential election. How, you may ask, do I have the temerity to pursue such a goal when I haven’t the slightest experience whatsoever in the fields of politics or statesmanship or public service or governance?

Where have you been for the past year?

It’s been demonstrated that any idiot can achieve the highest office in the nation if he can scrape together a few bucks. I’ve got a lot more than a few bucks.

Hell, if that weasel Donald Trump can run, why can’t I? After all, he’s running on nothing beyond his ability to make money. He’s worth a measly four and a half billion and I’m worth 76 billion.

76 BILLION! Read it and weep, combover clown.

For people who equate intelligence with net worth, that makes me a mega-genius and Mr. Schlump a moron. How appropriate.

I eat impoverished punks like Trump for breakfast and fart them out at lunch. There are 120 people in this country worth more than him, people like Rupert Murdoch, Ralph Lauren and every Tom-Dick-and-Mary in the Walton family. Maybe I’ll put them all in my cabinet. George Lucas (also richer) can run NASA. (Anything to keep him from making more movies.)

That bozo Trump doesn’t know jack about making real money and he wants to run the country? He started out with the fortune daddy-kins gave him and he  managed to make a slightly bigger fortune. Big friggin’ deal. You can do that by putting the money in a savings account. Oh yeah, Trump only had to declare bankruptcy FOUR TIMES on the way to accumulating his pittance.

And the guy calls himself a winner? I think wiener is more like it. What has he won? A handful of Republican primaries over a splintered field of posers and almost never getting a majority until everyone else quit? How’s about Robert Kraft? Four time Super Bowl champ! And richer than loser Schlump! Kraft can be my Surgeon General. He can put warning labels on football helmets.

To sweeten the pot, I’m picking Warren Buffet as Vice President. Between us, we’re worth more than 30 times what Trump is. If a measly 4.5 billion qualifies someone to run for president, we should be emperors of the solar system.

But we’ll settle for making Trump look like the paltry jackass he is.

Vote for me!

Local Authors presentation

Posted on by under Books

Shameless self-(and-town-library-)promotion:

FLYER Local Authors 2016

That’s me in the upper left hand corner (in Cité Soleil, Port-au-Prince, Haiti). I’ll be hanging out with my fellow local authors talking about our books. My book, A Slippery Land, will be available for sale. As part of my presentation, I’ll be showing photos of some of the settings in the book. Click on the poster above for more details about the event.

Come on out if you have a chance. Support local authors! (Such as me. :-))

Quote the period, nevermore!

Posted on by under About writing

cannedhamThere’s an old story about a certain woman cooking a canned ham. Before putting it in the baking pan, she always cut off both ends. Each time she did so, her husband watched with growing anxiety. Finally, when he could stand it no longer, he spoke up to her.

“Honey, why do you always cut off the end pieces? Those are my favorite parts of the ham.”

His wife was taken aback and indignantly answered, “My mother always cut off the ends!”

“Well,” her husband pushed on, “why did she do it?”

Hands on hips, she was prepared to give him a piece of her mind until she realized… she had no idea. Now her curiosity was piqued. She called her mother to find out why she had done it that way. The mother explained that she had to cut the ham down because it wouldn’t fit in her smaller baking pan. Thus, this woman was throwing away part of her meal for no reason at all.

What the heck does all this have to do with writing?!? It’s a perfect parallel for one of the most problematic punctuation puzzles posed to prospective prose-slingers. (How’s that for excessive alliteration?)

To wit: Why must we always put periods inside quotation marks, even when it makes no sense? The reason for doing so in the first place has nothing to do with sense. By modern American usage standards, the following statement is correct:

My favorite movie is “Star Wars.”

But it’s wrong. “Star Wars.” is not the name of a movie. (It would be OK to say my favorite TV show is “Awkward.” Unlike the previous example, the period is part of that show’s name.) The better (but currently incorrect) way of writing this is:

My favorite movie is “Star Wars”.

The reason, believe it or not, has to do with the thankfully long lost art of typesetting. Except for rare cases such as hobbyists and museums, we haven’t used typesetting in many decades. Here’s the explanation from the Grammar Girl, reproduced here without permission:

Compositors―people who layout printed material with type―made the original rule that placed periods and commas inside quotation marks to protect the small metal pieces of type from breaking off the end of the sentence. The quotation marks protected the commas and periods.

In other words, the pan was too small. Well, we don’t use the pan anymore. It’s time to drop this stupid convention that has no basis in our present world.

Do we really want to live in this world?

Do we really want to live in this world?

The British wised up. They dumped this antiquated practice early in the 20th century. But this is America. We know better than to change to some newfangled (actually it’s old-fangled because it predates the printing press) way of doing things just because it’s better. That’s why we still have 12-inch feet and 5,280-foot miles instead of simple meters and kilometers. We’re stubbornly stupid. Even Gutenberg would agree.

Well, not this guy! I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore. Let the world kick me, deny me as a rebel, and ignore my opinion, but I refuse to be dictated to by ancient technological limitations. They’ll call me a “nutjob”. (See? I just did it! Let the revolution begin!) No matter. As Victor Hugo said, “There is nothing more powerful than an idea whose time has come.” (Note: That period placement is OK.)

The time has come to join the modern world. Put the period in its place.

In praise of the sea

Posted on by under Original writing

[For a while, I was a regular contributor to a blog for a resort on Martha’s Vineyard. In order to save some time – and in the spirit of recycling – please accept this repurposed post from that blog.]

DSCN0189

The ocean is a marvelous place. It is literally a place of marvels. People travel from deep in the interior sections of a continent just to spend a few days in its proximity. As they near it, their hearts – if not their voices – resonate with that of William Clark who cried at his first sight of the Pacific, “Ocian in view! O! The joy!” We are willing to spend a massive premium for the privilege of an ocean vista, disregarding the dangers it poses.

DSCN0194It only takes a few minutes at the beach to realize that there is more to it than sand and water. Peter Kreeft, prolific author and professor of philosophy at Boston College, has caught this vision. He says that by God’s design, “the ocean is a perfect toy: always there, always willing to play with you, just dangerous enough to be exciting, never needing replacement, unbreakable, never boring, and you don’t even have to put it away when you’re finished playing with it. Watch how little kids treat it; they know what it’s for.”

DSCN0192Indeed, no one seems to appreciate the beach like a child. The little girl has no need of a “beach book” or a radio to pass the time. Her younger brother isn’t concerned with making a fashion statement or getting the perfect tan. The sand, shells, waves, sun, and breeze all provide more than enough distraction for the most innocent among us. And if they have the proper tools, who knows what imaginative creations they may construct in the sand?

DSCN0191My preferred portion of coastline is on Martha’s Vineyard. In spite of its often overbearing crowds, South Beach is where I head for my ocean fix. The power of the surf there is humbling, more than once leaving me tumbling in its foamy aftermath. The shoreline goes on almost to the vanishing point in either direction. One can stroll its shifting sands in peace for hours.

DSCN0190You never know what wonder you will encounter along that stretch of shoreline. There is a seemingly endless variety of birds to watch – some skittering in the shallow surf, some repeatedly diving headlong into the waves foraging for a meal. While lacking an abundance of shells, there are yet some prizes to be found for the diligent. Patience and a keen eye may also reward you with a rare seal or dolphin sighting.

DSCN0186Those who lug their laptops, cell phones and iPods to the beach will have their reward, I suppose. I prefer to follow the lead of the little ones. When it comes to the ocean, they know the magic it holds better than “adults”.

As if we needed more evidence

Posted on by under Generic Rant

I was going to skip another week in this blog. Novel number two is occupying my time and mind lately. It’s hard to tear myself away from the story and its characters. I like spending time with them.

But I saw something last night that stirred up the creative juices. (Disgusting pun intended.)

As if we needed more evidence beyond a Trump candidacy that America’s depravity has hit a low from which it may never recover, last night I saw the most obscene commercial I’ve ever watched. It was for a product by turns called “GlowBowl”, “BowlLight”, or my personal favorite, “IllumiBowl”. That last one sounds like some sort of bizarre superhero. It lights up your toilet at night so you aren’t, as the commercials put it, blinded when you turn on the bathroom light.

You’ve probably heard of this beast by now, but it just came to my attention. Upon seeing it, I was at a loss as to how to respond. Laughter was my first reaction. Is this a joke? You know you’ve lived too long when you can’t tell a real commercial from an SNL lampoon. Can the Love Toilet be far behind?

Upon further consideration, I’m pissed. (Pun once again intended.) Can there be any doubt that Americans have too much money? Everyone (especially talking heads on Fox News) want us to believe our economy is in a shambles, yet we have money to spend on such dreck? Has no one heard of the $2 nightlight??

What can we expect from a nation that uses what the rest of the world calls drinking water to flush its toilets? In a world where 40% of its people have no access to modern sanitary facilities, we’re spending money that could be used to save the lives of some of the 1.5 million children who die from diarrhea every year to light up our johns.

I’ve had it. Back to something that at least resembles reality: my novel.

Just thinking…

Posted on by under Generic Rant, Movies

[Bonus for me! I was about to start a new post when I saw this in my “drafts” folder. All written but never published! How great is that, cuz I should be writing the new book that keeps tugging on my imagination.]

I was just thinking…

Why would anyone choose to watch a TV show advertised as “addictive”? Isn’t that a Bad Thing? Would you buy a product with that label? I suppose some might. ((sigh))

Shouldn’t the ratings for “Wall-E” note that it has “Brief language”? And almost all Terrence Malick movies?

Speaking of movie ratings, I don’t mind the sex and violence, but I’m tired of watching movies with “thematic elements.” Enough already! Why do I have to put up with so many thematic elements?? Hollywood must be going crazy!

As Dave Barry would say, I am not making this up: I saw this crawl line streaming under an “entertainment news” program (real names long forgotten): “So-and-so and someone-or-other may or may not be dating.” Yeah, that should cover it.

Snorkel is a fun word.

Someone threw a new phone book in my driveway. Really? If I were so old I still used a phone book, I wouldn’t be able to reach down that far.

Didja ever notice that when someone says, “To make a long story short,” it’s already too late?

When speaking before a large group, almost everyone thinks they don’t need a mike. They do.

Overheard: “I usually always…”

A couple of cool bumper stickers I’ve seen recently:handbasketgardening

I know I’ve beaten up “Boyhood” enough, but didn’t the “7 Up” documentary series do the same thing earlier… and infinitely better?

Is it time to enforce affirmative action in Hollywood?

The latest commercials for Cadillac use the tag line “dare greatly.” Huh?!?! Is there a less daring choice for a vehicle??

Anyway, that’s what I was thinking ’bout.

What’s wrong with this picture?

Posted on by under Generic Rant, Original writing

I recently bought something at a store (you remember “stores”, don’tya?) that I hadn’t done business with before. By the time I got home with the product, I had already received several emails from the company hawking more stuff. Naturally, I clicked on  the unsubscribe button. What’s the response I get?

Unsubscribe1

Why is it that when I buy something, the charge is applied before I put my credit card back in my wallet? But when I try to unsubscribe – a completely electronic transaction – it takes 7 to 10 days??? I’ve done unsubscribes that said it would take 4-6 weeks! Yikes! The whole stinking internet was built in less time!

It’s not just “stores.” At least one tech-savvy company whose name I won’t reveal had the same problem:

Unsubscribe2 Must be “switch flipper syndrome.”  Or maybe they’re trying to save money by using slower, less expensive electrons.

Then there are those companies that force you to call to cancel their services (again, not mentioning names, V*****n) or even “opt out” of some mailing list they put you on that you never wanted in the first (or second) place. That’s also a completely automated process, but they want you on the phone to try to either talk you out of leaving or sell you more. How many people end up doing both? Probably more than a few. These people are trained to be persistent, nay, relentless in hounding their soon-to-be-former-customers. I guess they have nothing to lose. They already lost ya.

New MPAA ratings suggestions

Posted on by under Movies, Original writing

The MPAA ratings for movies are woefully inadequate. Yes, they tell you something about the “moral” content of a movie. For example, if your middle-schooler wants to see a movie of non-stop violence and mayhem, no problem. If he or she wants to see an important documentary about social ills that happens to include more than two F-bombs, that’s verboten. Makes perfect sense, huh?

But what about those of us who have no children to helicopter around but who care about other types of content? Have no fear! I’ll prime the pump with a few suggestions:

MPAA-BDThis is a movie populated by idiots doing idiotic things. It could be teenagers opening doors in buildings where serial killers are known to be. (This concept was lampooned most effectively in a hysterical Geico commercial.) Romantic comedies are also prone to this moronic behavior. If they just told the truth at the beginning, none of the misunderstandings would happen. And the movie would never have been made. That’s called “win-win.”

MPAA-HOWYou’ve seen them. Movies so bad, you wonder what now-unemployed producer gave this beast the green light? They have no positive qualities but someone shelled out several (sometimes hundreds) millions of dollars to get it made. You spend the entire movie asking yourself, “Who thought this was a good idea?” (q.v. “Mortdecai“)

MPAA-WTBy the end of one of these things, your scalp is bleeding because you spent the whole time scratching it. Instead of asking, “What did you think?” you ask, “What happened?” Let me say up front that I like some of these movies. Some I like a lot. This label could be applied to “2001”, as well as most films by Terrence Malick or Wes Anderson. After all, it’s good to have something to talk about after a movie other than the headache you got from the extreme volume and non-stop light show of special effects. Some so labeled, however, are simply self-indulgent nonsense. The poster child for this category is David Lynch’s “Eraserhead.” More prominently and more recently I’d add the interminable “Interstellar.”

MPAA-LW2The worst kind of movie. This is the equivalent of the current NC-17. Except these should be labeled, “no one over or under the age of 17 will be admitted.” Some of the aforementioned movies could also carry this caveat, but the most renowned recent example is “Boyhood.”

Do you have any labels you’d like to add?

 

[Congratulate me for not shamelessly promoting my new book.]