Tag Archives: cell phone

If You Give a Man a Cell Phone

Posted on by under Original writing

[With apologies to Laura Numeroff and her whimsical “If you give a <something> to a <something else>” series of children’s books.]

If you give a man a cell phone…

He’ll want a case, a screen protector, a charger, extra cables, SD cards, a bluetooth headset and external speaker, and a pile of other accessories.

With all those accessories, he’ll ask you to give him a man-purse to carry them all.

The man-purse will leaving him questioning his sexuality. In his insecurity, you’ll have to buy him a huge, 4-wheel drive pickup truck with a hemi and a deliberately crippled muffler.

He might find that a large, loud truck isn’t sufficient to compensate for his lack of masculinity, in which case he’ll put a gun rack in the back window of the truck.

If he’s going to have that gun rack, he’ll need a rifle to feel truly macho.

He’ll ask himself, “Why do I have rifle if I’m not going to use it?” and he’ll ask you to take him hunting.

You’re too smart to accompany him, so he’ll go alone to spite you.

When he goes hunting, chances are his rifle will misfire causing him to accidentally shoot himself in the foot.

Alone and bleeding profusely, he’ll crawl back to the truck and try to drive for help.

Loss of blood will cause him to go into shock so he’ll pass out and drive into a tree.

Hitting the tree will trigger the airbag, which will concuss him.

He’ll spend a comatose month in a hospital in a town where no one knows him.

By the time he recovers and returns to his old life, everyone will believe he was dead so he’ll discover…
he lost his job,
his apartment was sub-let,
and his girlfriend has moved in with his former best friend.

The stress of all that loss will drive him to drugs and alcohol. It won’t be pretty.

When you finally get him to admit his addictions, you’ll have to check him into a rehab in northern California.

He’ll fall in love with his nurse who thinks his man-purse is cool.

To support his new laid-back lifestyle, they’ll move to a ranch in rural Montana…

which won’t have cell coverage…

so he’ll need a new cell service…

You’ll have to give him a new cell phone.

[Now all I need is adorable illustrations and I’ll be ready for a copyright infringement suit.]

Bring back the Underwood

Posted on by under About writing, Generic Rant

underwood

Just bought a new laptop. I have a sudden desire to get an Underwood.

I’m no Luddite. I appreciate advances in technology. My phone is invariably with me and my audio/video system, while on the duller edge of the curve, has brought me plenty of enjoyment. Technology can make us more productive in many fields. It can also be a lot of fun. The problem is, the leading edge is too far ahead of me. It even leaves itself behind at times.

Have you noticed that, with each advance, we lose something? Few would choose to go back to analog recordings, but Neil Young is right when he decries the subtlety lost in the digital recordings we all use now. More is lost in the compression algorithms used, whether for audio or video. (Can you spell MP3?) Plus, we’re watching films on 3 inch phones that were intended for acre-size screens. One step forward, two or more back?

Like most computers, which are no longer used or useful for computing (or writing), cell phones fail at their original raison d’etre. Yeah, they’re great for lots of things—texting, browsing, reading—but between dropped connections, poor reception, speech delay, and butt calls, their suitability for talking to other people is debatable.

Matters grow worse as I age. The value of high-def TV and audio is lost on my low-def eyes and ears. As devices get smaller, the controls necessarily do as well. My fingers weren’t meant to manipulate buttons the size of boogers.

As a writer, I’ve already chronicled my frustrations with the modern computer in this post on my other blog. (It would have been more appropriate in this forum, but I hadn’t started this blog yet when I wrote that in 2014. Consider this my atonement. Please note that I predicted the rapid deployment of landscape-format web sites.) Those complaints remain valid. And since that day, no one has yet come out with the “writer’s laptop” I asked for. I suspect no one will.

I want to write.

I don’t want moronic games.

I don’t want to remove your bloatware.

I don’t want to learn new versions of software every six months.

Have I made myself clear enough yet? I’m a writer. I want to write words.

Don’t even get me started on Windows 10. Heaven help the writer.

Photo Dump

Posted on by under Generic Rant, photos

I’m a word guy, but whenever I see something that evokes the absurd, I pull out my camera. Phone. Or whatever it is. When enough of them back up, it’s time to dump them on my unsuspecting readers. Consider them all to be writing prompts. There’s bound to be a story behind each one.

This week, here are some photos that capture certain facets of the weird world we live in.

This art exhibit gives the attendee the full "class distinction" immersion experience. (Note: This photo is actually from my daughter who also has a keen eye for the bizarre,)

This art exhibit gives the attendee the full “class distinction” immersion experience. (Note: This photo is actually from my daughter who also has a keen eye for the bizarre.)

3rd Ave at 2nd Ave?!? Is this a math or geography fail? Either way, some mail's gonna get lost.

3rd Ave at Second Ave?!? Is this a math or geography fail? Either way, some mail’s gonna get lost.

For the life of my, I can't figure out who can park here when. There are too many clauses. If you can parse this for me, I'd be much in your debt. Meanwhile I'll play it safe and park on the other side of the street.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out who can park here when. There are too many clauses. If you can parse this for me, I’d be forever in your debt. Meanwhile I’ll play it safe and park on the other side of the street.

It's bad enough that there's a store selling monsters at a discount, but look who's selling them...

It’s bad enough that there’s a store selling monsters at a discount, but look who’s selling them…

...a store for kids! We all thought the movie "Monsters, Inc." explained where the monsters under the bed came from. Now we know different.

…a store for kids! We all thought the movie “Monsters, Inc.” explained where the monsters under the bed came from. Now we know different.

Finally! A store that's selling something we can all really use. Check out the circled sign, lost in a jumble of useless shops.

Finally! A store that’s selling something we can all really use. Check out the circled sign, lost in a jumble of useless shops.

Sign at a local take-out shop. Risking their own business to do their parts to restore some semblance of civility to our technology-obsessed culture. Sign at a local take-out shop. Risking their own business to do their parts to restore some semblance of civility to our technology-obsessed culture.

Sign at a local take-out shop. Risking their own business to do their part to restore some semblance of civility to our technology-obsessed culture.

IMG_20160706_153633066

Power drinks. Neither food nor nourishment, yet they’re in a cooler with that label. Go figure. What else can we expect in a nation where ketchup has been declared a vegetable?

Regression7-26

Believe it or not, this photo was taken in the cradle of American liberty, the birthplace of the American Revolution: Concord (MA) green. Yet they’re using the British term for the traffic circle! It’s a rotary, people! A rotary. Lorries don’t go around it, TRUCKS do! Next thing you know, we’ll be driving on the wrong side of the road! Stop the madness! Is this what we fought the revolution for? I say NO! Then again, who cares.

YABD

Posted on by under Books, Generic Rant, Movies

Yet Another Brain Dump.

Since I don’t have much time to write this week and since I did an extra post last week and since I haven’t popped the idea stack for more than three months, I’m going to do it now. Here’s another brain dump of thoughts that have piled up lately. Nothing life-changing or earth-shaking. Maybe Head-shaking, though.

Here’s a little news item you might have missed:

The [Boston Red Sox] officially released minor league lefthander Cody Kukuk, who was arrested in November on a robbery charge in his native Kansas. Kukuk was given an $800,000 bonus after being selected in the seventh round of the 2011 draft.

The kid got an 800K signing bonus and was on his way to a big league career and he commits robbery. Huh? Reminds me of the even more amazing story a couple years ago, involving a football player making half a million bucks a year who was arrested for shoplifting a cologne sample and two pair of underwear worth a total of $123.50.

Wow.

I hope we hurry up development of the driverless car, cuz from what I’m seeing on the road, no one’s paying attention when they drive anyway.

From the “Who Invented This Language Anyway?” department:  The words overlook and oversee are opposites yet flammable and inflammable mean the same thing.

True confession: Wonder no longer. I wrote the book of love

Why do people record messages on their cell phones that say, “I can’t come to the phone right now”? Isn’t the whole point of a cell phone that you don’t have to come to the phone? What did I miss?

I thought it was a short-lived fad, but it seems books and movies about zombies and vampires simply refuse to die. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

Have you seen the movie about the guy who used to be a criminal who tried to go straight but was forced by some bad guys to do one last job? Which movie was that you ask? Just about all of them.

It’s about 10 degrees outside. I heat my house to 70. And I have a big box I store food in that cools down to below freezing. Am I the only one who sees a problem here?

??????????A business in Santa Barbara: Ye Olde Deli and Thai Food. That’s covering all your bases. Oh yeah, and as you can see in the photo to the right, you can also get Boba Bubbles in your Olde Thai Deli drink.

That’s all I have time for. I have to go to my cell phone.