Too Tow

TowDrunkCheck out the first line of this sign. It’s supposed to be a pun on the fact that the restaurant in question will tow a drunk patron’s car home. I applaud the intent but question the implementation.

If I’m too drunk to drive (which would be a major miracle since I don’t drink alcohol at all) what are the odds I’ll understand this message, much less appreciate the attempt at humor?

In fact, when I saw it, I started to question my own sobriety. Were my eyes playing tricks on me? Why does it say “Tow Drunk”? Did they think “Two” was the right word and transposed a couple of letters?

It boggled my mind so much that I was forced to publish this lame post in an effort to avoid being overcome altogether.

In which case, I’d probably need to be tooed.

(Sorry. I’m in the midst of a family crisis while also readying a book for publishing. Thus, the blog loses. This, such as it is, is the best I can deliver today.)

Title, heading, name, label, legend, banner, headline

badjailThis is a short [story, tale, saga, history, report, narrative] about an [event, happening, occurrence, incident] that never was. It’s just an [excuse, reason, pretext] for using a lot of synonyms of the type I’ve come to call “slangonyms”. Over the years, some words in the English language have spawned so many slang terms to refer to the same concepts, it seems there’s no [end, ceasing, hard stop, finality, culmination, last word].

One [night, evening, after hours] I was at a [party, bash, soiree, affair, shebang, blowout, gala, shindig] with some [friends, buds, pals, mains, BFFs, amigos, homeys, chums, bro’s]. To be [honest, forthright, on the up-an-up, straight arrow, tell it like it is] I was feeling a bit [drunk, tipsy, faced, zonked, merked, high, wasted, totaled, three sheets to the wind, blitzed, corked, tanked, plastered, potted, sloshed, juiced, feeling no pain].

Suddenly the [police, cops, fuzz, flatfoot, pigs, heat, badge, copper, law] showed up and they hauled my [rear end, butt, tail, glutes, tush, fanny, keister, bottom, backside, derriere] off to court. I didn’t have any [money, cash, loot, bucks, lettuce, scrilla, greenbacks, bread, clams, simoleons, scratch, moola, coin, dough], so they slapped me in the [prison, jail, hoosegow, slammer, pen, joint, graybar hotel, up the river, big house, clink, pokey, cooler].

I was so mad, I could just [swear, cuss, curse, spew, be foul-mouthed, flame]. But there was nothing I could do, so I just [went to sleep, passed out, hit the hay, copped some Z’s, got some shut-eye, sawed some logs, crashed].

Other than that, the party was [great, awesome, wicked, fabuloso, slammin’, far out, boss, all that, groovy, hip, epic, cool, stellar, the bee’s knees, fierce].

The end, fini, ball game, end of the line, exuent, finito, done, no mas.

(Don’t you just love the English language? There’s no excuse to be boring!)