Tag Archives: faq

Dissection of a support response

Posted on by under Generic Rant

At one time or another, most of us have to send a support request to our favorite online service, technology supplier, or website. Upon receiving a less-than-helpful response from one company this week, I realized most of these messages follow a very specific template, probably generated by (God help us) AI. Here’s one I’ve broken down for your reading pleasure. There’s no pleasure (or help) in receiving one of these inane replies, so enjoy this one.

[meaningless polite greeting]
Good morning,

[Obnoxious and totally disingenuous expression of empathy. The question is, do you “completely understand” how frustrating it is to get this phony automated response to every question I send? Let me tell you about “frustrating”, robo-responder!]
I hope this message finds you well. I’m truly sorry to hear that you’re experiencing difficulties accessing our services online—I completely understand how frustrating that can be, and I appreciate you bringing it to our attention.

[Acknowledgment of problem with no hope of resolution]
At the moment, we are aware of a known issue affecting [some people and/or platforms unrelated to what you described in your question], which is causing the problem you are experiencing. [No, you obviously aren’t aware because that isn’t the problem I’m experiencing.] preventing some users from using our site. Our technology team is actively working on a resolution, and we sincerely apologize [I think we’ve already established how sorry you are, in every sense of the word.] for the inconvenience this may be causing.

[insanely complex and/or inconvenient workaround, plus buy stuff to get the other stuff working that you already paid for]
Please perform the following steps:

  1. Refer to our FAQ.
  2. Clear your browser’s cache, temporary files, and cookies.
  3. Disable any pop-up blockers.
  4. Ensure your browser is set to accept cookies.
  5. Close all browser windows and restart with a fresh session.
  6. If the issue persists, try accessing the site using a different browser.
  7. If the problem still persists, reformat your disk and rebuild your entire operating system.
  8. If the problem still doesn’t go away, sacrifice a chicken, do an app-fixing dance, renew your subscription to GeekSquad, pick up your missed package at FedEx, buy some “enhancement” meds, and send $10,000 to Nigeria.
  9. Read those FAQs again.

Or:

  1. Install our app.
  2. Uninstall our app.
  3. Restart your phone.
  4. Reinstall the app from your app store.
  5. Buy an extended warranty from us.
  6. Buy, install, and uninstall the app a few more times for good measure.
  7. Have you read the FAQs?

[Acknowledgment of problem with no promise of resolution]
Once you’ve tried these steps [which no one in their right mind will do because it would take a few years and set them back a few more], please reply to this email and let us know if the issue has been resolved. [We know you won’t do them and that will keep you from bothering us again, which is actually the point of all this.] If not, it would be very helpful if you could include a screenshot, the versions of every piece of software on your computer, your mother’s maiden name, and a urine sample so we can investigate further.

[Further disingenuous pablum to try to pacify you]
Thank you again for your patience and understanding. We’re here to help and will do everything we can [everything except fix the problem, that is] to get this resolved as quickly as possible [or get rid of you any way we can].

[Meaningless but affable signoff]
Warm regards,

[Insert foreign or fabricated Anglo-sounding name.]

Better yet, just take Dogbert’s tech support advice, “Shut up and reboot.”

FAQs

Posted on by under About writing, Books, Generic Rant, Movies, Original writing

(Any web site worth its salt has an FAQs page. Mine has never done so. That could be an inhibitor to its growth from a platform for a curmudgeon trying to unload his lame scribbling to a viral social media giant.

Or not.)

  • Why do you bother with this blog after seven years of almost complete reader indifference?

A fair question, one I’ve wrestled with many times. The most obvious is ego. Having a blog allows me to pretend I have something of import to say, when it’s highly doubtful I do. That’s a self-defeating concept since, as you so clearly and painfully point out, no one appears to be reading it. Ouch! (Thank you for not noting my other blog, “Limping in the Light”, which experienced a similar lack of impact for 10 years. Oh my.)

Another, more reasonable excuse is the desire to sell books. I have seven out there as of this typing (2021) with one more in the works. There’s an infinitesimal but non-zero chance that Oprah will happen on this site and discover that my novel about Haiti, “A Slippery Land”, is perfect for her book club… which it is.

Finally, I just like writing. It’s enjoyable and it’s therapeutic.

  • Have you read the new Andy Weir book, “Project Hail Mary”?

Yes, and it’s great. Similar to “The Martian” in both style and entertainment value. Highly recommended.

  • Can I borrow ten bucks?

No.

  • What’s the deal with that guy in the commercial who points at all your junk and it just goes away?

Nothing is more annoying to me. Our stuff doesn’t just “go away”. There is no “away”. Living under that delusion has brought this world to the predicament it’s in today.

  • How many Frenchmen can’t be wrong?

Last I checked, it was 1,000,000. That might have changed.

  • Is it true that Dick van Dyke was originally cast as the lead in the old movie, “The Omen”?

That’s what I heard. It would be a very different movie with him instead of Gregory Peck, don’t you think? It might have been a musical.

  • Why do people say “dial the phone” when there hasn’t been a dial on a phone in decades?

The same reason my father used to tell us to turn off the gas on the electric stove.

  • How about five bucks?

Okay.

  • Why do motorcycles make so much noise their riders can’t hear themselves think?

They aren’t missing anything.

  • Then they turn up their music above the sound of the bike?

Go figure.

  • Is my call important to you?

Yes, and it will be recorded for customer satisfaction purposes.

  • Where can I get your awesome books?

On Amazon or from me directly.

  • What do you want to be when you grow up?

I have no intention of growing up.

  • What’s the meaning of life?

The Westminster Catechism says “Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy Him for ever.” That works for me.

  • Who are your favorite actors?

For some reason, my favorite actors tend to be more commonly in supporting roles as opposed to carrying a movie. Among those that come to mind at the moment are Stanley Tucci, Toni Collette, Allison Janney, Bill Cobbs, Steve Zahn, Michael Pena, and a bunch more I can’t think of right now. I appreciate people like these folks who (1) are humble enough to take smaller roles, (2) flexible enough to play anything from drama to OTT humor, and (3) make every movie they’re in better.

  • Have you heard the one about the…

Yes.

  • What does “clockwise” mean?

You were born after 2000, weren’t you?

  • $7.50?

Give it a rest!

(Let me know if you have any more questions you need answered.)