This will probably get me in trouble but I’ll admit it: I don’t like Google. Yes, I use Gmail because, to paraphrase those bumper stickers on Teslas, I started using it before I knew they were evil. I have an Android phone cuz it’s either Google or Apple. Pick your poison. But I don’t search with Google. I use Qwant or DuckDuckGo. Besides believing Google is a toxic company, it does stuff that’s either really scary or really stupid. Two cases in point.
Google Maps once sent me down a dead-end street then told me to turn around and go back to the main road I’d been traveling on before turning. Why? Hard to say, but there was a house for sale at the end of that dead end. Coincidence? I think not. Either the homeowner worked for Google and tweaked the search in his favor or the realtor paid Google to randomly send people down that road.
The only things I search for in Google are phone numbers. When I get a call from a number I don’t know, I don’t answer it, of course, but I also look it up to see if it’s legit or, more likely, spam. Quite often, Google will give me a list of entries, some of which display the following message:
Can anyone explain why I’d want to do a search without the only item I was searching for? No, cuz there is no valid explanation. What I usually get are listings of businesses who paid Google to show them when there are few other results. I guess this is what’s known as “search engine optimization”.
Blah!
This is what you get for following Google Maps religiously.
Many moons ago, in the 70’s, the brilliant Lily Tomlin created one of the most memorable characters in comic history. Ernestine was an operator (remember them?) working for the long-lost but never lamented AT&T (remember them?) back when they held a monopoly on electronic communications in this country. Back in the day, they were known simply and unaffectionately as “the phone company”.
Ernestine had an annoying (but very funny) habit of telling her customers, “We’re AT&T. We don’t care. We don’t have to.” Indeed that was the case until the monolith was broken up into little “baby Bells” by a decree made on Jan 8, 1982. Yes, that was 36 years ago. Since then, they’ve shriveled into less than a shadow of their former selves, as an also-ran cell service.
But in their heyday, they held all the marbles while we, the phone using public, lost ours. Things have certainly changed…
Or have they?
The good news is that Ernestine is still at work. Having been laid off by the phone company, she now works for a new firm whose power and grip on our society makes it a perfect fit for her particular brand of customer service. If you had a chance to eavesdrop on her workday, you’d likely hear something like this:
One ringy-dingy, two ringy-dingies. Gracious me, hello. Have I reached the party to whom I am speaking? This is Ernestine at Google. Are you the one with a problem with Gmail? Gmail is so much trouble, isn’t it? That’s why I always use the phone. <<snort, snort>> Goodness me, no, not an Android. They’re worse than email. <<snort, snort>> You want to know what’s wrong with Gmail? If you figure it out, let us know. <<snort, snort>> That’s what we call customer service. We let our customers do all the research and fix each others’ problems. <<snort, snort>> Better yet, once it’s working again, send the solution to a friend in an email. We’ll get it because we’re always monitoring your messages anyway. <<snort, snort>> What? Privacy? What’s that? <<snort, snort>> Oh, you’re a hoot, sir. In fact, we here at the office want to thank you. We all got such a charge out of the very colorful language you were using while you tried to get used to the buggy new calendar app we forced on you without your permission. What’s that? QA? Gracious me, who needs QA? What do you think we have customers for? <<snort, snort>> Oh, and we hope your UTI has cleared up. Don’t you hate it when streaming doesn’t work? <<snort, snort>> How did we know about that? What do you think that Google Home device you have on your counter is doing all day, meditating? <<snort, snort>> You don’t want us listening in to your personal conversations? We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re Google. Or Alphabet. Or whatever we want to call ourselves today. The stock will go up anyway. <<snort, snort>> What? You want to know how you can talk to my manager? Search me! <<snort, snort>> Get it? Search… Hello? Hello? Oh, my. Another satisfied customer.
Nice to know Ernestine’s core competency is still being effectively leveraged.
Scribbling in the Sand 