Tag Archives: pharmaceuticals

Big Pharma Hits the Wall

Posted on by under Original writing

Press Release

For Immediate Release

Cambridge, MA, December 19, 2023 — Biozyme Corporation®, a global provider of innovative pharmaceutical solutions, announced today that it has run out of letter combinations for all future drugs, including those under development. “With the release of our new cutting edge SBS (shy bladder syndrome) medication, Ininossssdzz©®, we have exhausted all reasonable length permutations of the 26 letter English alphabet,” said Bryce Fiasco, Chief Appellation Officer for Biozyme©®℗. “We need to start exploring entirely new character sets.” The CAO adds, “Biozyme©®℗Ø is not facing this dilemma alone. The entire industry has depleted all combinations of characters 12 letters or less.”

Biozyme©®℗Ø֍ was not forthcoming with any details regarding their plans going forward. Rumor has it they will be utilizing numbers, non-English alphabets, heiroglyphics, emojis, animal noises, as well as tones picked up by radio telescopes aimed into deep space.

“At Biozyme©®℗Ø֍♂, our core competency has always been innovation and we’re very excited to move ahead into previously uncharted sobriquet territory. No longer will we be restricted by the arbitrary limitations of an archaic collection of characters.” It is expected that the first drug employing the new naming paradigm will be Biozyme’s©®℗Ø֍♂☺groundbreaking treatment for the relief of side effects of their drug used to lessen negative reactions to its medication to treat hangnails caused by the use of their mRNA dandruff therapy.

“We’re sure that the consumers of our products will be quite comfortable with the new drug names,” said Chief Rationalization Officer Hymie Slamm. “After all, none of our current offerings are pronounceable by humans.”

Life by Subscription

Posted on by under Generic Rant

It started with TV. It used to be free. Before we knew what hit us, we were paying a monthly subscription for cable. We got all those channels and, as the old joke went, nothing was on worth watching. Then along came streaming. Now we’re paying for TV… one channel at a time… one month at a time. Netflix, Prime, Disney+, Paramount+, Hulu, YouTube, … The list goes on and on. And on and on, etc.

There’s subscription radio (Sirius), subscription software (Quicken, Adobe, and about a million others), even subscription cars. Yup, subscription cars.

And all this is in addition to your monthly (or weekly or annual) fees for luxuries like water, sewer, heat, electricity, internet, phones, AAA, rent, mortgage, insurance (all sorts of insurance), taxes (all sorts of taxes), loans, newspapers and magazines (online or old school hard copy), gyms, clubs… They just keep adding up, don’t they? And we forget we even signed up for half of them in the first place. The folks we’re paying count on it. It’s their business model.

Now add one more subscription to the list:

Your life.

Look at the pharmaceutical ads on TV. Nearly every single one of them is for a maintenance drug, one you’ll have to take every day and pay for every month for the rest of your life for the privilege of healthy living.* Don’t hold your breath waiting for any of those conditions to be cured. There’s no money in that.** Not when they have you on their subscription plan.

Don’t forget to renew those subscriptions.

* That is, if you survive the 750 side effects listed in the ads, most of which are more serious than the condition they’re treating.

** No, sir. As one Wall Street analyst warned, curing patients is not a sustainable business model. Read it for yourself here.