This changes everything

Here’s a little news item you probably missed. This Congressional resolution, issued just today, will change all our futures. We knew it had to happen eventually.


2nd Session

H.R. 99

Initiating updates of names and labels for humans, pets, and all organizations and establishments to reflect the era of technological ubiquity in which the nation finds itself.


October 22, 2014

Mr. BOEHNER (for himself and Mr. BROOKS) submitted the following resolution; which was referred to the Committee on Science, Space, and Technology


That all names and labels currently in use as of passage of this bill shall forthwith be changed to reflect the era of technological ubiquity in which the nation finds itself. Names and labels yet to be assigned shall adhere to the same set of new “futuristic” names, giving preference to words such as “space”, “jet”, “planet”, and other names of that futuristic ilk.

Whereas it has been several millennia since the Stone Age ended and since the previous name shift when sobriquets favoring words such as “rock” and “stone” were deprecated;

Whereas we recognize that today’s technology-dominated culture should impact naming processes at all levels;

Whereas we all expect soon to be traveling in flying automobiles powered by quiet, unobtrusive little circles;

Whereas living in saucer-shaped homes supported by single posts reaching beyond cloud level will soon be commonplace;

Whereas robotic technology already exists in nearly every product we consume from automobiles to toasters, soon to perform all our errands, household chores, work, and recreation;

Whereas archaic names such as “Smith” and “Wright” referring to anachronistic professions will engender tremendous confusion and wreak havoc on the education of our children whose knowledge extends no further into the past than the advent of the DVD;

Whereas even words such as “sprocket”, though hardly high-tech, promote an engineering bias in keeping with our culture of innovation and will be acceptable;

Whereas the future has arrived and we have little time to spare before it overwhelms us with its strangeness: Now, therefore, be it

Resolved, That the House of Representatives —

(1) shall enforce the renaming and relabeling of all existing entities whether living or inorganic through whatever means necessary, whether punitive or compensatory; and

(2) shall propose acceptable names for newly created entities, whether living or inorganic; and

(3) shall provide thorough guidelines for the new naming paradigm; and

(4) shall henceforth refuse to recognize names that do not meet the proposed criteria; and

(5) shall change the National Anthem to “Rocket Man”; and

(6) shall change even the name of our nation to “The United States of Astromerica”; and

(7) shall add an amendment to the Constitution, er, Cosmotution to further reinforce this critical need.

Cogressional update: Submitters henceforth to be known as Cogressmen Frederick LASER and Mo COMETS


With your new space-name, you’ll be as happy as these folks.

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