At one time or another, most of us have to send a support request to our favorite online service, technology supplier, or website. Upon receiving a less-than-helpful response from one company this week, I realized most of these messages follow a very specific template, probably generated by (God help us) AI. Here’s one I’ve broken down for your reading pleasure. There’s no pleasure (or help) in receiving one of these inane replies, so enjoy this one.

[meaningless polite greeting]
Good morning,

[Obnoxious and totally disingenuous expression of empathy. The question is, do you “completely understand” how frustrating it is to get this phony automated response to every question I send? Let me tell you about “frustrating”, robo-responder!]
I hope this message finds you well. I’m truly sorry to hear that you’re experiencing difficulties accessing our services online—I completely understand how frustrating that can be, and I appreciate you bringing it to our attention.

[Acknowledgment of problem with no hope of resolution]
At the moment, we are aware of a known issue affecting [some people and/or platforms unrelated to what you described in your question], which is causing the problem you are experiencing. [No, you obviously aren’t aware because that isn’t the problem I’m experiencing.] preventing some users from using our site. Our technology team is actively working on a resolution, and we sincerely apologize [I think we’ve already established how sorry you are, in every sense of the word.] for the inconvenience this may be causing.

[insanely complex and/or inconvenient workaround, plus buy stuff to get the other stuff working that you already paid for]
Please perform the following steps:

1. Refer to our FAQ.
2. Clear your browser’s cache, temporary files, and cookies.
3. Disable any pop-up blockers.
4. Ensure your browser is set to accept cookies.
5. Close all browser windows and restart with a fresh session.
6. If the issue persists, try accessing the site using a different browser.
7. If the problem still persists, reformat your disk and rebuild your entire operating system.
8. If the problem still doesn’t go away, sacrifice a chicken, do an app-fixing dance, renew your subscription to GeekSquad, pick up your missed package at FedEx, buy some “enhancement” meds, and send $10,000 to Nigeria.
9. Read those FAQs again.

Or:

1. Install our app.
2. Uninstall our app.
3. Restart your phone.
4. Reinstall the app from your app store.
5. Buy an extended warranty from us.
6. Buy, install, and uninstall the app a few more times for good measure.
7. Have you read the FAQs?

[Acknowledgment of problem with no promise of resolution]
Once you’ve tried these steps [which no one in their right mind will do because it would take a few years and set them back a few more], please reply to this email and let us know if the issue has been resolved. [We know you won’t do them and that will keep you from bothering us again, which is actually the point of all this.] If not, it would be very helpful if you could include a screenshot, the versions of every piece of software on your computer, your mother’s maiden name, and a urine sample so we can investigate further.

[Further disingenuous pablum to try to pacify you]
Thank you again for your patience and understanding. We’re here to help and will do everything we can [everything except fix the problem, that is] to get this resolved as quickly as possible [or get rid of you any way we can].

[Meaningless but affable signoff]
Warm regards,

[Insert foreign or fabricated Anglo-sounding name.]

Better yet, just take Dogbert’s tech support advice, “Shut up and reboot.”