Dissection of a support response

Posted on by under Generic Rant

At one time or another, most of us have to send a support request to our favorite online service, technology supplier, or website. Upon receiving a less-than-helpful response from one company this week, I realized most of these messages follow a very specific template, probably generated by (God help us) AI. Here’s one I’ve broken down for your reading pleasure. There’s no pleasure (or help) in receiving one of these inane replies, so enjoy this one.

[meaningless polite greeting]
Good morning,

[Obnoxious and totally disingenuous expression of empathy. The question is, do you “completely understand” how frustrating it is to get this phony automated response to every question I send? Let me tell you about “frustrating”, robo-responder!]
I hope this message finds you well. I’m truly sorry to hear that you’re experiencing difficulties accessing our services online—I completely understand how frustrating that can be, and I appreciate you bringing it to our attention.

[Acknowledgment of problem with no hope of resolution]
At the moment, we are aware of a known issue affecting [some people and/or platforms unrelated to what you described in your question], which is causing the problem you are experiencing. [No, you obviously aren’t aware because that isn’t the problem I’m experiencing.] preventing some users from using our site. Our technology team is actively working on a resolution, and we sincerely apologize [I think we’ve already established how sorry you are, in every sense of the word.] for the inconvenience this may be causing.

[insanely complex and/or inconvenient workaround, plus buy stuff to get the other stuff working that you already paid for]
Please perform the following steps:

  1. Refer to our FAQ.
  2. Clear your browser’s cache, temporary files, and cookies.
  3. Disable any pop-up blockers.
  4. Ensure your browser is set to accept cookies.
  5. Close all browser windows and restart with a fresh session.
  6. If the issue persists, try accessing the site using a different browser.
  7. If the problem still persists, reformat your disk and rebuild your entire operating system.
  8. If the problem still doesn’t go away, sacrifice a chicken, do an app-fixing dance, renew your subscription to GeekSquad, pick up your missed package at FedEx, buy some “enhancement” meds, and send $10,000 to Nigeria.
  9. Read those FAQs again.

Or:

  1. Install our app.
  2. Uninstall our app.
  3. Restart your phone.
  4. Reinstall the app from your app store.
  5. Buy an extended warranty from us.
  6. Buy, install, and uninstall the app a few more times for good measure.
  7. Have you read the FAQs?

[Acknowledgment of problem with no promise of resolution]
Once you’ve tried these steps [which no one in their right mind will do because it would take a few years and set them back a few more], please reply to this email and let us know if the issue has been resolved. [We know you won’t do them and that will keep you from bothering us again, which is actually the point of all this.] If not, it would be very helpful if you could include a screenshot, the versions of every piece of software on your computer, your mother’s maiden name, and a urine sample so we can investigate further.

[Further disingenuous pablum to try to pacify you]
Thank you again for your patience and understanding. We’re here to help and will do everything we can [everything except fix the problem, that is] to get this resolved as quickly as possible [or get rid of you any way we can].

[Meaningless but affable signoff]
Warm regards,

[Insert foreign or fabricated Anglo-sounding name.]

Better yet, just take Dogbert’s tech support advice, “Shut up and reboot.”

Blog Power #2!

Posted on by under blog snax, photos

A BlogSnax© post

Only two weeks after reporting one momentous change brought about by the Power of My Blog, I came upon a second example. Look at the second picture on the same page I linked to in my last post. It’s a jigsaw puzzle from the local library that sported a curious label. This week I borrowed another puzzle. (I’m real big on jigsaw puzzles.) The specious label was replaced by an appropriate one! This is the evidence:

Dare not doubt the Power of the Written Word! Virtually or by pen, it is indeed mightier than the sword!

The Power of the Blog

Posted on by under blog snax, photos

A BlogSnax© post

Last month I posted a photo of an empty van driving in front of me. See it here. Someone must have seen my post and realized the wrong message was being sent. They corrected the mistake by putting this sign up in a similar van I was behind last week:

It’s comforting to know there are “people on board”. It could have been driven by some dangerous creature, like a baboon, a boa constrictor, Donald Trump, a scorpion, or a slug. All this because I had the courage to point out the error of their ways in my blog. It makes one proud.

Poor Thomas

Posted on by under blog snax, Generic Rant

A BlogSnax© post

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about a poor guy named Thomas. I don’t know his last name; he probably didn’t have one. But we all know his “first name”, which also turns out to be his claim to infamy:

Doubting

Yes, I’m talking about the Thomas in the Bible, chapter 20 of the Gospel of John, to be more precise. (Verses 24 through 29, to be even more precise. This is worth reading. Seriously.) As a result of the fact that he didn’t (at first) believe that Jesus had risen from the dead (would you?) he has been labeled “Doubting Thomas” for all of CE human history.

Now that’s just not fair.

Imagine if you were named based on the worst thing you ever did. Think about it. We’d be surrounded by…

  • Drunk Driving John
  • Sleazy Mary
  • Tax Cheat Phil
  • Swindler Suzy

Never mind if you rehabilitate yourself as Thomas did. You’re stuck with that miserable moniker as long as you live and, if Tom is any model, forever.

What would your nickname be???

Thank you for reading,
Lying Rick

It’s not the…

Posted on by under Generic Rant, Original writing

Have you ever noticed how many popular expressions take the form, “It’s not the … it’s the …”? I’ve collected a few that came to mind. I’m always open to more.

  • “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.” This tired old saw should be retired. Does anyone really want to hear this on a sultry, sweltering summer day? It only makes matters worse.
  • “It’s not the feet, it’s the humility.” This spin on the previous one is unusual. It was presented to me as a way to get across the lesson of Jesus washing His disciples’ feet on what we celebrate as Maundy Thursday. This is way more acceptable than that last one. In this case, it’s always the humility.
  • “It’s not you, it’s me.” No one wants to hear this, least of all George Costanza!
  • “It’s not the meat, it’s the motion.” Rated PG-13!! Technically, it’s “It ain’t…” but who cares? Fifty-one years ago Maria Muldaur rocked the world with this hot little number. Pretty tame stuff by today’s standards.
  • “It’s not the gift [or expense], it’s the thought that counts.” I honestly believe in this one, although it never feels true when people say it.
  • “It’s not the years, it’s the mileage.” Only Indiana Jones could have sold this one such that we’re still saying it 44 years later. For those of us who aren’t Indy, it is the years.
  • “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” This is an excellent addition to the list. Admittedly, I’d never heard of it before today when I was researching this post. This is often attributed to Mark Twain but, like so many other apocryphal quotes, it is not his. See this excellent explanation of its origins.

That’s all I’m aware of but it’s not the quantity, it’s the quality. At least that’s what people say.

Photos that make me say hmm…

Posted on by under Generic Rant, photos
I’m driving behind this van and notice the sign. If it’s empty, who’s driving?!? <cue Twilight Zone theme> Doo-doo-doo-doo.<end theme> This was before self-driving cars. I got off the road immediately.
Got this puzzle at the local library. If you find the missing pieces, shouldn’t you keep the puzzle? You’d think a library, of all places would be more precise in its wording.
I can see first aid and body fluid kits as safety equipment. Even those chock blocks might be useful. But “triangles”? Maybe if you have this guy on the bus. (Sorry the picture is out of focus.)

Hmmm…

Goodbye Instagram ⃰

Posted on by under Generic Rant

I joined Instagram ten years ago this month, mainly to see pictures of family, promote my writing, and publicize philanthropic efforts I participated in. It was useful and fun.

The world has changed.

Most of my family has dropped out of the IG world, there’s no evidence it has helped sell any of my books, and its parent company, Meta/Facebook†, has become an enabler of the US kakistocracy and the miscreants in charge. I can no longer associate with a company someone accurately described as “a diabolical cult run by emotionally stunted men babies, institutionally enabled sexual harassers and hypocritical virtue-signalling narcissists” that is “able to swing elections, target body-shamed teens with beauty products and monetise millions of humans’ hitherto private data.”

I quit.

What effect will my quitting have on these deviants? None. So what’s the point? I’ll sleep better knowing I’m no longer supporting such malevolence. It’s the same reason you won’t find me at Walmart or any of the increasingly prevalent local casinos. I try my best not to support sociopathic behavior anywhere.

I’ll miss a lot of stuff I followed on IG:

The thing is, I can get at most of this stuff online in other ways, as evidenced by the links above. Besides, I survived the first 60 years of my life without IG. I should be able to get by the rest of the way without it. And I’ll have a lot more time, what with not getting sucked into the bottomless void of idiotic videos and photos of life hacks (often life-threatening hacks), people doing stupid things (I do enough on my own), ads for crap I couldn’t imagine ever wanting in a thousand lifetimes (items chosen specifically for me by specious AI algorithms), staged “candid” scenes (presumably made by shameless exhibitionists), AI-fabricated nonsense posing as reality (thus perverting our vision of actual reality), maudlin recollections of the way things used to be (but never truly were), and on and on and on (and on, ad nauseam). It seems as if it never ends. In a sense, it never does. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have that kind of time.

Enough. Goodbye and good riddance to it all.

⃰ After a long deliberation about taking this step, I was inspired to finally make the leap by an article by one of my heroes, musician, writer, and all-around Renaissance man, Charlie Peacock. You can read it here.

† We have a Facebook account, but we rarely use it. Nevertheless, that’s going, too.

Whatever happened to shame?

Posted on by under Generic Rant

I’m old, old enough to remember when getting a tattoo was a sign of rebellion, not a sign of conformity. I’m also old enough to remember when people felt shame.

In 1968, faced with a catalog of well-documented and proven abuses, Richard Nixon, for all his faults, faced the music and resigned from office. After fighting all the Watergate charges, he realized that, in addition to losing the trust of the American people and with impeachment imminent, there was no way out of the corner his illegal, unconstitutional activities had painted him into. Finally, he admitted defeat and, waving to the crowd with his trademark double peace sign (a peace he had held hostage for most of his term of office), flew off into infamy aboard Marine One, then on to Air Force One, which lost that call sign somewhere over Missouri on its way to California.

He, along with most of his staff, had been shamed out of office and deservedly so. We as a nation put them behind us and moved forward. This kind of thing had happened before, from Boss Tweed to Joe McCarthy to George Wallace to the embarrassing but more benign shenanigans of the likes of Anthony Weiner.

Things have changed today. In spite of all the charges and failures and lies and convictions and scandals, not to mention a failed overthrow of the American government, no one seems to want to admit defeat or take responsibility. (A friend who is in the know about these things told me that a certain current president has had a Watergate every month and has never been held to account.) The crazies just keep on pushing nonsense about stolen elections, DEI plane crashes, fake news, Democrat controlled weather, birthers, dog-eating immigrants, alternate truth, and countless more inanities.

I doubt these corrupt, shameless scoundrels or their cowardly enablers would bat an eyelash at the accusing words with which Joseph Welch brought down another bully, Joe McCarthy, when he declared,

“Until this moment, Senator, I think I never really gauged your cruelty or your recklessness… You have done enough. Have you no sense of decency, sir? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?”

These people have no sense of decency, so those words would disappear into the vacuum where their consciences should be.

Now those same thugs are running the show again. And they’ve brought along their trillionaire friends (None of those, you say? Just wait; with extensive graft happening already, it’s only a matter of time.) to wreak havoc over the entire globe. Unlike Nixon, whose own party at that time had the ability to distinguish right from wrong and thus ran him out of office, these miscreants are being empowered and encouraged to perform their nefarious acts by their equally unprincipled, spineless accomplices. Now millions around the world will pay for our sins with their lives.

Shame on them.

Shame on us for letting this happen.

More word weirdness

Posted on by under blog snax, Generic Rant

A BlogSnax© post

A few observations on the vagaries of the English language and our (mis)use thereof.

Why is imply a word but exply, meaning to say something directly, is not?

Giving and taking are opposite actions but caregivers and caretakers do essentially the same things.

And while we’re on the subject of words, let’s just eliminate the word literally, okay? It’s way overused, yet generally used in only two contexts: one when people mean the exact opposite (“It literally blew my mind!”) and one when it’s superfluous (“It’s literally the same thing.”).

Get rid of literally and we’ll have room for exply.