Spoiler Alert! (Not!)

Posted on by under blog snax, Movies

A BlogSnax© post

People watch a lot of Hallmark Christmas romance movies this time of year. I’ve heard that they created 41 “new” ones this year alone. The word “new” is qualified here because none of them are really new. Even the people who watch them (people like me, I confess) will admit that they only have three plots—the undercover royalty, the big city business person who rekindles an old flame in her small hometown while trying to put a local institution out of business, and the person posing as a fiancé[e]/girlfriend/boyfriend to fool the family—with a rotating ensemble of about six actors who do nothing else. (I’m looking at you, Danica McKellar!)

So how come when you read people’s reviews of these dogs on IMDb, they sometimes say “spoiler alert”? News flash, folks: There’s nothing to spoil!! A spoiler alert for one of these holiday train wrecks is as useful as a spoiler alert for Scooby Doo—Hey, it’s not a real monster. It’s a guy dressed up as a monster! Or Gilligan’s island—No, they don’t get off the island. Gilligan screws up again and they remain stranded on their three-hour cruise for which they packed three years worth of clothing and supplies.

Just had to get that off my chest before the new year.

Big Pharma Hits the Wall

Posted on by under Original writing

Press Release

For Immediate Release

Cambridge, MA, December 19, 2023 — Biozyme Corporation®, a global provider of innovative pharmaceutical solutions, announced today that it has run out of letter combinations for all future drugs, including those under development. “With the release of our new cutting edge SBS (shy bladder syndrome) medication, Ininossssdzz©®, we have exhausted all reasonable length permutations of the 26 letter English alphabet,” said Bryce Fiasco, Chief Appellation Officer for Biozyme©®℗. “We need to start exploring entirely new character sets.” The CAO adds, “Biozyme©®℗Ø is not facing this dilemma alone. The entire industry has depleted all combinations of characters 12 letters or less.”

Biozyme©®℗Ø֍ was not forthcoming with any details regarding their plans going forward. Rumor has it they will be utilizing numbers, non-English alphabets, heiroglyphics, emojis, animal noises, as well as tones picked up by radio telescopes aimed into deep space.

“At Biozyme©®℗Ø֍♂, our core competency has always been innovation and we’re very excited to move ahead into previously uncharted sobriquet territory. No longer will we be restricted by the arbitrary limitations of an archaic collection of characters.” It is expected that the first drug employing the new naming paradigm will be Biozyme’s©®℗Ø֍♂☺groundbreaking treatment for the relief of side effects of their drug used to lessen negative reactions to its medication to treat hangnails caused by the use of their mRNA dandruff therapy.

“We’re sure that the consumers of our products will be quite comfortable with the new drug names,” said Chief Rationalization Officer Hymie Slamm. “After all, none of our current offerings are pronounceable by humans.”

A couple of turtle pictures…

Posted on by under blog snax, photos

A BlogSnax© post

Can there be enough turtle pictures? Here’s my contribution:

I count over 40 turtles on this one fallen log, possibly as many as 50. It’s like a horizontal Yertle. An amazing demonstration of coexistence.

From the No-Brainer Department, seen on a local road:

Well, yeah! Next we’ll have a sign saying “fast cheetahs”.

Neverending Thanx…

Posted on by under Generic Rant

Once more reviving my old “Thanx” posts. (See here for a full description of the genre.) Making a Thanksgiving post once a year on the eve of the holiday is wildly inadequate. As a friend recently told me, it should be thanksliving. He’s right. G. K. Chesterton was on target when he said,

I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.

In that spirit, I offer this woefully skimpy inventory, from the sublime to the ridiculous to the ridiculously sublime:

  1. God (Good start, huh?)
  2. My extended family (most of whom will be together on Thanksgiving)
  3. Eight years with St. Matthew
  4. Small and large groups
  5. Jigsaw puzzles
  6. Bucket list bike trips
  7. One good leg
  8. Unexpected encounters, calls, and visitors
  9. Grace
  10. Learning lessons, even the hard ones
  11. New City Microcreamery
  12. Isaiah predicting today’s news
  13. MS Cure is back in business!
  14. Burger Night at State Road
  15. Sitting on the beach in mid-November
  16. Ari’s grotto
  17. The trapeze and fear of transformation
  18. Ground Round Reunion
  19. Uncle Beef
  20. Nashoba Brook Bakery
  21. The Sheriff’s Meadow
  22. The blessing of generosity, no matter which end of it I’m on
  23. Lessons and Carols and Jenna
  24. Rosewater chicken sandwich and lemon pound cake
  25. Accessible vans
  26. Lexie’s Lemonade
  27. 45.5 years
  28. “The Quiet Girl”
  29. Answering the call
  30. Memory so bad that rereading books is a pleasure
  31. etc. etc. etc. …

Look, I know the great majority of these are obscure beyond reason, but they’re understood by the bless-ee and the bless-er and that’s all that really counts.

I wish you and yours a happy and grateful Thanksgiving!

Speaking of Speaker…

Posted on by under Generic Rant, Original writing

Many people were relieved when the House of Representatives finally selected a Speaker of the House. I, for one, was not. Writing about this could sound as if I’m boasting, but it’s my duty as an American citizen to speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth… as I see it… which could mean anything in this culture. And the truth is…

I was fourth in line after “Mike Johnson” (yeah, like that’s his real name) to be nominated as Speaker.

Yes, it’s true. The Republicans were working down a list according to qualifications. After McCarthy, Scalise, Jordan, Emmer, Bergman, Hern, and a swarm of other no-names who either couldn’t get the votes or dropped out (because they couldn’t get the votes), “Mr. Johnson” was elected before the next names on the list were revealed.

Now it can be told.

After “Johnson”, Attila the Hun’s name was to be put on on the table. Sadly, even though he had secured the votes to be elected, someone had the audacity to point out that Mr. Hun had been dead for 1570 years. He lost six votes after that fact was revealed, which was enough to put his election into question. This came as a major disappointment to Republican presidential favorite Donald the Hun.

Another Trump preference was the next candidate on the roster. Milburn Pennybags, a.k.a. “Rich Uncle” Pennybags, mascot of the popular Parker Brothers board game, Monopoly. He has a few key character traits in common with the presumptive Republican nominee: First, he’s two-dimensional, possibly one dimension more than Mr. Trump. Second, he appears to be rich but his money isn’t real. Finally, he never shows up on the “Pay Income Tax” space.

The final name on the list before me was Bozo the Clown. He was never a serious consideration because Mr. Trump rejected him on two counts: (1) He’s afraid of clowns and (2) Bozo is considered too much of an intellectual (“a egghead”, as Mr. Trump puts it) who wouldn’t appeal to mainstream Republican House members.

That would have brought me to the front of the line. The fact that no one knows who I am certainly worked in my favor. It’s not clear whether I would have been able to muster the votes to be elected but I’d give it my all, which is all a guy can do.

If, Heaven forbid, I failed to be elected, a small selection of the many names that would have come after me were Captain America, Gumby, Taylor Swift, the World’s Largest Ball of Twine, Popeye the Sailor Man–never underestimate the draw of a man in uniform–and Goofy… or was that Dopey… or “Mike Johnson”? Six of one…

Partial Photo Backlog Dump

Posted on by under photos

The ideas for this blog have been piling up, but so have the weird photos I’ve been sitting on. And there are more just about every week. Let’s throw a few out into an unsuspecting world before they get too stale.

From the people who brought us the ever-so-tasteless “FU” ad campaign comes this bit of stupidity. They’re “Flamin’ Hot” but they’re Cool Ranch. Only in the Frito-Lay universe is that possible.

So much better was this much needed encouragement received at a local self-serve gas station:

It’s nice to know someone believes in me.

Covid-19 is over but as this photo, taken recently inside a porta-potty (yeah, I’m that desperate for material) indicates, the paranoia and madness remain.

Lock it up! Lock it up!

Is this a big enough problem–people putting their bikes on top of this fence–that they need a special sign for it? On the other hand…

…this sign is clearly needed, especially for whoever put the sign on the piano.

And last, but not by any stretch of an already stretched-to-the-breaking-point imagination least, this alarming picture-within-a-picture from the what-the-heck-were-they-thinking department:

I don’t even know where to begin with this disturbing picture, obviously the product of a seriously deranged mind. It has given me nightmares since I first saw it. Now it’s your problem. Good luck.

Repost of autumnal biking perils…

Posted on by under blog snax, Generic Rant

A BlogSnax© post

It being autumn, and me being slothful and uninspired, it’s fitting to recycle a post from my old blog, Limping in the Light. It’s appropriate not only for the season and seasonal activities but also because, sadly, I’m limping again. 😦

Chipmunk chicken

(Note that the original post was published in spring but this particular activity is more common in the fall.)

Alternative White Flags

Posted on by under Generic Rant

Everyone knows the white flag is the universal sign of surrender. It means to give up, to admit to having no chance of overcoming the opposition and resigning to a fate of defeat. But did you know there are other signs that have been used over the ages? When I was a kid, we often relied on one of the following banalities when faced with a verbal assault:

I know you are but what am I?

I’m like a mirror, you’re like glue. It bounces off me and sticks to you.

No one would pull one of those chestnuts out today, right? We’ve come a long way. Or have we?

This topic came to mind this week when two people passed me on a bike path doing about 25 MPH on an e-bike without even signalling their approach, a serious breach of bike path safety etiquette. If you’re unfamiliar with e-bikes… where the heck have you been?? They are bikes with electric assist motors to augment pedaling, capable of speeds up to nearly 30 MPH. They’re typically used by one of two classes of people: older folks who want to keep riding but need a little extra boost from time to time (God bless’em; that could very well be me some day) or sociopathic Peter Fonda wannabes who think they’re filming a reboot of “Easy Rider”. My passing duo were clearly of the latter variety.

The guy I was riding with was as perturbed as I was by these clowns. He called to them as they passed, “Slow down!”, a reasonable request, given that they passed within inches of us at the speed of well-tuned Yugo. One of the pair retorted over his rapidly receding shoulder, “Shut Up!”

A flagrant white flag.

We were actually lucky in this case. The usual comeback muttered by such mental midgets is the clever (and ubiquitous) rejoinder, “f*** you” accompanied by a brazen display of the middle finger. These are people who probably didn’t fare too well on their high school debate teams. Although in today’s world of uncivil discourse, they’d rock in a Republican presidential debate.

When I was protesting the Vietnam war (yes, I’m that old) I was regularly attacked with a white flag that still unfurls at regular intervals today: “Commie!” Tell someone we should even consider Medicare for all, some way of reducing the wealth gap, or trying to limit the number of mass shootings in this country to something less than, oh, over one every day, and you’re bound to hear that white flag still flapping in the breeze, a breeze driven by the hot air coming from people who are happy with the completely unworkable and unsustainable status quo.

Basically, name calling of any kind is the white flag of choice for anyone with no intellectual resources or valid arguments at his disposal. Without even knowing it, they’re saying, “I give up. You win. You’re right. But I’m not leaving this fight without letting loose one last volley of invectives (although he’s unlikely to know what “invective” means) worthy of a poorly educated middle-schooler.”

There are lots more white flags out there. It’s good to be aware of them so we don’t waste our efforts trying to communicate logically with those who go into a battle of wits unarmed.

Long may the white flag fly!

A Golden Age of Quirky British Films

Posted on by under Movies

I’m a major fan of what I think of as quirky British movies. And lately there has been a bumper crop to choose from. It’s been a wonderful era for people like me. Here are a handful that I’ve enjoyed most:

  • The Duke (2/25/22 UK) This movie stars two of my favorite living film performers: Helen Mirren and Jim Broadbent. That alone is worth the price of admission. (That’s a meaningless assessment given that I got the video from the library but you get my point.) This is based on the true story of a painting stolen from the National Gallery. It would be great regardless but the fact that the events are essentially true make it even more appealing, if that’s possible.
  • The Phantom of the Open (3/18/22) Another brilliant (in both the literal US meaning as well as the common British usage) performance by yet another brilliant actor, Mark Rylance. Again, a (“based on”) true story of a down-and-outer who decides to take up golf by entering the British Open before he’s played a single round. It has the added incentive of including the incomparable Sally Hawkins. We’ll see her again in this list.
  • Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris (7/15/22 US) If this delightful more-than-just-a-romantic-comedy doesn’t put a smile on your face, you might want to check your pulse. This isn’t a true story, but I wish it were.
  • The Lost King (3/24/23 US) Another Sally Hawkins vehicle. I’ll watch anything she does, including commercials, if she ever makes one. (She’s so great, she almost saved the dreadful poser movie, “The Shape of Water”.) This is another inspired-by-true-events tale about an amateur historian who fights the powers-that-be to make a discovery everyone told her was impossible.

The next one is far and away the cream of said bumper crop, IMHO. It’s quirkier than all of the rest combined but (a) has absolutely zero (maybe less) basis in reality and (b) has not one single big name performer. Nonetheless, this is one of my favorite movies in years.

  • Brian and Charles (7/8/22 UK) No synopsis can do this justice. The short version is that it’s about an eccentric Welshman who invents a robot to keep him company. But it’s not in any sense science fiction.

A couple of honorable mentions to spectacular British films that aren’t quirky enough but are great regardless:

  • Living (11/4/22 UK) Bill Nighy, who makes every movie he’s in better, in a role he was born to play.
  • Banshees of Inisherin (11/4/22 US) It’s more twisted and dark than quirky and definitely not a comedy, despite what its marketeers claim, but it is terrific.

American cinema hasn’t produced quirky films as prolifically as have our British cousins but one recent entry I’d put in the same category as those above is:

  • Jerry and Marge Go Large (6/17/22 US) Like a few of the above, this film features great performances by great actors portraying real people in a stranger-than-fiction situation.

All those movies were released in the last 18 months. It’s a feast for the quirk-lovers among us.

I’m Being Followed By a MoonShadow

Posted on by under blog snax, Generic Rant

A BlogSnax© post

Yusuf Islam, a.k.a. Cat Stevens, a.k.a. Steven Demetre Georgiou—obviously a man with serious identity issues—created some of the most memorable music from the soundtrack of my life. His masterpiece, IMHO, is the sensational “Teaser and the Firecat”. So enamored was I of this collection that the LP cover once adorned the entire wall of my bedroom in my younger days, reproduced there in precise detail by myself and some friends. Here’s a photo of the actual wall:*

The song came to me today as I rode my bike along a puddled post-rainstorm bike path. Lines from the song shook me like never before:

If I ever lose my hands...
If I ever lose my eyes...
If I ever lose my legs...
If I ever lose my mouth...

Then the song’s name echoed in my brain, slipping into and filling my heart.

MoonShadow

The initials of the two components of this fabricated portmanteau are MS, which can also stand for, among many other lesser things, multiple sclerosis, an often crippling disease of the central nervous system that can cause a victim to, in essence:

Lose her hands.

Lose her eyes.

Lose her legs.

Lose her mouth.

I’ve always adored the song. It’s even more meaningful to me now. It turns out that the artist who at the time went by the name “Cat Stevens” was inspired to write it when he literally saw his shadow cast by the moon. When we listen to music, it becomes our own as much as to its original creator. I’ve decided this will always be mine as an MS encouragement.

I really am being followed by a MoonShadow.

* It took weeks to get the expression on Teaser’s face just right, eventually requiring the assistance of a Genuine Artist. Compare it to the original. It’s a very good knockoff.

We did this without the permission of Cat/Yusuf, who painted the original cover. He never chased us down for residuals. I wish he had. I would have thanked him for what all his wonderful music meant (and still means) to me. Sadly, this treasure has long since been painted over. 😦