Multiverse theory proved!

There’s tremendous controversy in scientific circles about “multiverse theory”, the contention that our universe is just one of many, possibly an infinite number of parallel or alternate universes. At first I was skeptical about this theory. While it makes for countless compelling science fiction plots, it seemed too far-fetched to be acceptable as scientific truth.

As a result of extensive and meticulous observation, my views have changed. It’s now obvious to me that there are indeed many, perhaps billions of parallel universes. Let me encourage you to use standard empirical methods to discover for yourself the undeniable truth that surrounds you every day.

Next time you are in heavy highway traffic, look around. The guy weaving in and out of lanes, endangering everyone around him? He’s clearly in his own universe. What other explanation could there be? His actions make no sense in this universe: He’s getting virtually nowhere and he’s merely aggravating an already miserable traffic situation. There is no other reason to drive so idiotically. There’s no connection with anyone else’s reality. He lives in a parallel, or maybe slightly skewed, universe.

More evidence? Take note of the following people:

  • The person with 15 items in the supermarket 6-or-less express lane.
  • The woman trying to stow a piece of luggage the size of North Dakota into a plane’s already cramped overhead luggage rack while the aisle fills with people waiting to get to their seats.
  • The fully able moron parked in a handicapped space right up against a van’s wheelchair entrance.
  • Donald Trump.
  • The kid yapping on his cell phone in the movie theater.
  • The motorcyclist revving his illegal exhaust system on a quiet street in the middle of the night.
  • The person at the front of a long line of customers, taking 15 minutes to decide what kind of cruller to have with a double latte.
  • The driver who considers the use of blinkers to be leaking information to the enemy.

All these people live in their own universes where they are the only inhabitants. They have no connection to or awareness of the reality other people occupy. It’s their universe, their laws, their morality, their “truth”, and no one is going to come from any other universe to interfere with their actions or disturb their complacency with meaningless concepts such as facts, civility, or selflessness.

Now that’s science.

Bill Gates for President!

GatesHello, I’m Bill Gates. It’s late in the game but nevertheless I’ve decided to “throw my hat into the ring” for the 2016 presidential election. How, you may ask, do I have the temerity to pursue such a goal when I haven’t the slightest experience whatsoever in the fields of politics or statesmanship or public service or governance?

Where have you been for the past year?

It’s been demonstrated that any idiot can achieve the highest office in the nation if he can scrape together a few bucks. I’ve got a lot more than a few bucks.

Hell, if that weasel Donald Trump can run, why can’t I? After all, he’s running on nothing beyond his ability to make money. He’s worth a measly four and a half billion and I’m worth 76 billion.

76 BILLION! Read it and weep, combover clown.

For people who equate intelligence with net worth, that makes me a mega-genius and Mr. Schlump a moron. How appropriate.

I eat impoverished punks like Trump for breakfast and fart them out at lunch. There are 120 people in this country worth more than him, people like Rupert Murdoch, Ralph Lauren and every Tom-Dick-and-Mary in the Walton family. Maybe I’ll put them all in my cabinet. George Lucas (also richer) can run NASA. (Anything to keep him from making more movies.)

That bozo Trump doesn’t know jack about making real money and he wants to run the country? He started out with the fortune daddy-kins gave him and heĀ  managed to make a slightly bigger fortune. Big friggin’ deal. You can do that by putting the money in a savings account. Oh yeah, Trump only had to declare bankruptcy FOUR TIMES on the way to accumulating his pittance.

And the guy calls himself a winner? I think wiener is more like it. What has he won? A handful of Republican primaries over a splintered field of posers and almost never getting a majority until everyone else quit? How’s about Robert Kraft? Four time Super Bowl champ! And richer than loser Schlump! Kraft can be my Surgeon General. He can put warning labels on football helmets.

To sweeten the pot, I’m picking Warren Buffet as Vice President. Between us, we’re worth more than 30 times what Trump is. If a measly 4.5 billion qualifies someone to run for president, we should be emperors of the solar system.

But we’ll settle for making Trump look like the paltry jackass he is.

Vote for me!

Separated at birth?

It seems to be the Season of the Blowhard. Look who’s grabbing headlines on the sports page and the front page:

RexRyan Trump

 

 

 

 

 

On the one hand, we have Rex Ryan. Erstwhile failure coach of the New York Jets, subsequently hired by a rival team in the AFC East. Now he’s the failure coach of the Buffalo Bills. Why would the Bills hire this guy who is a proven failure? Because he sells tickets and that’s what the game is all about – not wins and losses but dollars and cents. Ownership knew he’d publicly obsess over trying to beat the Patriots, rant and rave about how it’s someone else’s fault when they lose, and generally be quotable. If they’re lucky, there will be some foot fetish humor thrown in for good measure. He doesn’t have to be a success as a coach as long as he’s a media celebrity.

Sure enough, Ryan has gotten plenty of coverage in the sports pages, though precious little success on the field. Six weeks into the season and his players are already rebelling, questioning his coaching. In his absence, the New York Jets are having their best start in years. Coincidence? Yeah, right.

Then there’s The Donald. Nobody in their right mind could possibly want this clown representing the USA to the world. His candidacy is a joke. He’ll say or do something stupid and implode as all joke candidates do. Then it’s feast time for political pundits, talking heads, and editorial cartoonists and the scrap heap for Kombover King.

It’s happened before. Poor Howard Dean got bounced just for screaming, “yeeaahhh!” Who remembers 1988? Gary Hart’s libido and his aptly named boat, “Monkey Business” sank his quest for the presidency. That same year, Pat Robertson finished in front of George H. W. Bush in the Iowa caucuses. Everyone thought he was a serious candidate. He wasn’t. Neither is Trump.

As far as I can tell, Ryan and Trump are twins separated at birth (16 years apart). There’s no “there” there. Their value is purely as entertainment, which works great since that’s what most news is these days. All it takes is a buffoon or other freak frothing at the mouth and the video truck will cling to them like a remora, waiting for a juicy news bite.

Come to think of it, I’ve never seen those two together. Hmmmm…