“A Slippery Land”

Posted on by under About writing, Books, Original writing

It’s finally done. My first book, a novel about Haiti, is available for sale in paperback or Kindle edition. Here’s the cover:

ASLcoverFor the sake of completeness, here’s the back cover:

ASLback

I’ve been working on this book in one form or another for more than four years. It started out as a screenplay, one that finished in the top 5% in the world’s most prestigious screenplay competition. Some of the judges’ comments included: “Strongly, clearly, confidently, and dramatically written… Settings are vividly brought to life… There is a heartbreaking authenticity to this.”

The story follows the life of a Haitian girl over six years, beginning with the nightmare of the 2010 earthquake. Her life becomes a series of trials common to many Haitians. How she faces those difficulties reflects on the resilience and strength of the Haitian people.

The book’s title comes from a painfully appropriate Haitian Creole proverb: “Lavi se tè glise“, which translates to the English: “Life is a slippery land.”

While a fictional tale, “A Slippery Land” carries a lot of truth. It incorporates many actual events I’ve seen or experienced and observations I’ve made while visiting the country and getting to know its people over the last 15 years.

Please consider buying a copy and letting me know what you think. The book is suitable for a wide audience, including Young Adult – even though it has no vampires, zombies, or mean girls, though Haiti could qualify as a dystopian society – or anyone who enjoys reading and learning about other cultures. It should be particularly good for book clubs because there’s plenty to discuss about our perceptions of Haiti and the third world.

You can see and purchase the paperback or Kindle edition through my Amazon author page here.

Thank you for reading.

icon - black on white

Things that make me say, “Huh?”

Posted on by under Generic Rant, photos

When time is short, I rely on photos to cover my… bases. This is such a post. Herewith, three photos that make me say, “Huh?”

The age of specialization has gone too far. What? You can't clean your own bass before you throw it in the Bass-O-Matic???

The age of specialization has gone too far. What? You can’t clean your own bass before you throw it in the Bass-O-Matic???

 

Oh snap! Why are we encouraging needy people to spend what precious funds they have for food on Ben and Jerry's?

Oh snap! Since when did Ben and Jerry’s qualify as “supplemental nutrition”?

 

IMG_20151205_103913940

Yeah, and we really, really mean it this time.

Save my little darlings!

Posted on by under About writing

An oft-heard recommendation for writers-in-training is some variation of the macabre maxim, “you must kill all your little darlings.” It’s not a mandate for infanticide but rather advice to remove from your work those passages whose purpose is more to build your ego or impress others than to drive your plot or build your characters.

This dictum, which has been attributed to everyone from Faulkner to Stephen King*, is hard to obey. First of all, we love our clever turns of phrase and our precious metaphors. Writers tend to be an egocentric bunch (actually, nearly all human beings fit that bill) who want others to appreciate their genius (or mediocrity, as the case may be). Otherwise, why try to publish our work instead of just scribbling it out and reading it to ourselves?

I have a worse problem. I don’t even want to hurt my darlings.

In this instance I’m talking not about my prose but my characters. They’re like my children or my friends. How could I stand to let them suffer needlessly? Sure, a character has to go through crises and conflicts or they end up in a totally tedious tome. (Now that’s a little darling if ever I wrote one!) No one wants to read:

They started out happy.
A bunch of happy things happened.
They lived happily ever after.

Hopefully, no one wants to write it either. It’s OK for my darlings to go through the fire – we all must – but I need to redeem their trials so the journey is worthwhile.

This afflicts my reading as well as my writing. I’m one of those people who gets ridiculously wrapped up in the characters in a story. (To read more about my obsession, check out this post.) I can’t stand it when characters I’ve grown to care about don’t wind up in some positive state by the end of the tale. Do whatever you want with the jerks in the story, but leave my buds alone.

I prescribe to the Golden Rule of Writing: “Do unto your characters as you would have done unto you.”

Does that make for a boring book/movie/play? By no means. There are lots of (most, I’d judge) stories that have what some would call a happy ending. For some reason, though, it limits the critical reception since critics fawn all over Humpty-Dumpty-esque characters that self-destruct never to be put together again.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Austen, Dickens, and Tolkien (to name just a few) pulled it off somehow. There are worse examples to follow.

*Evidence indicates it was actually coined by a Cambridge lecturer named Arthur Quiller-Couch back in the 1910’s.

Coming soon!

Posted on by under About writing, Books

My first novel is on the verge of being self-published. Sorry. That’s a misleading statement. The book isn’t publishing itself. My self is publishing it.

The good news is, it’s absurdly easy to publish one’s own book today.

The bad news is, it’s absurdly easy to publish one’s own book today.

Thus, my book will be out there soon, fighting for attention amidst an overwhelming onslaught of similarly hopeful creations by similarly hopeful creators. My hope is that its quality rises above that of the average tome available. But who am I to judge?

I’ve already given a teaser in a previous post. Since then I’ve finished the book, changed the title (twice), and had a terrific designer create some fantastic cover art.  Come back in a month or so and I’ll shamelessly and relentlessly plug it.

One agent told me that it’s a hard sell because it’s about Haiti and no one is interested in reading about Haiti. I hope that’s not true for many reasons, not just because it means no one will buy my book. More importantly, it saddens me to think that people might no longer have any concern for that sad and beautiful nation.

Six years ago this week Haiti was all anyone was talking about. This past Tuesday (January 12) marks the sixth anniversary of the horrific earthquake that killed tens of thousands of people, injured countless more – no one will ever know exactly how many of each – and put millions out of their homes.

Now, they tell me, no one cares.

I hope you do.

I am the NTRA

Posted on by under Generic Rant, Original writing

toygun

It’s been accurately observed that toy guns are more rigorously regulated than the real thing. I for one think this is an abomination for our country. It’s time to end the madness.

That’s why I’m announcing the creation of the NTRA: the National Toy Rifle Association to send the message to the Buster-Brown-booted thugs:

Keep your hands off my toy guns!

Adults aren’t the only ones protected by the 2nd amendment. The right to arm toddlers shall not be infringed.

Just because some wimpy, timid housewife told her little boy, “You’ll shoot your eye out”, are we going to live in fear? No! If she’d listened to little Ralphie, her home wouldn’t have been overrun by Black Bart and his gang, known communist sympathizers.

If we give up our toy guns, the terrorists win. Who’s going to defend America then? No matter that a paintball or cap gun won’t do much to protect us from missiles and nuclear devices. This is a matter of principle!

Remember: If they take away your water gun today, they’ll take away your water tomorrow! Super Soakers don’t soak people, people soak people. If you want to keep people dry, we need MORE water guns, not fewer.

It’s time to say “enough is enough”. For those of us who can stand up, it’s time to stand up for our rights. The rest of us will just sit and fuss.

You can have my toy gun when you pry it from my stinky, poopy diaper.

Too Tow

Posted on by under Generic Rant

TowDrunkCheck out the first line of this sign. It’s supposed to be a pun on the fact that the restaurant in question will tow a drunk patron’s car home. I applaud the intent but question the implementation.

If I’m too drunk to drive (which would be a major miracle since I don’t drink alcohol at all) what are the odds I’ll understand this message, much less appreciate the attempt at humor?

In fact, when I saw it, I started to question my own sobriety. Were my eyes playing tricks on me? Why does it say “Tow Drunk”? Did they think “Two” was the right word and transposed a couple of letters?

It boggled my mind so much that I was forced to publish this lame post in an effort to avoid being overcome altogether.

In which case, I’d probably need to be tooed.

(Sorry. I’m in the midst of a family crisis while also readying a book for publishing. Thus, the blog loses. This, such as it is, is the best I can deliver today.)

Thousands of words

Posted on by under Generic Rant, photos

No time this week to devote to a fully developed article.

This excuse might wear on some nerves – I’ve used it more than my share of times – but it can’t be helped. If you knew my situation, I’m certain you would agree. Nevertheless, I’ve made a pact with myself and my readers to put something out here every other week (and on LITL on the in-between weeks). Rather than shortchange you, I’m publishing a longer one than usual… if you buy into the maxim that a picture is worth a thousand words.

ParkFailFor reasons I won’t get into, I’ve spent a lot of time in hospitals lately. Based on the way people park in those places, you’d think they were hospitals for antisocial morons. This is just a small sample. There were many, many more examples. A hospital? Come on, folks! As tempting as it is, I would never key a car. But it’s hard to suppress the hope that someone will.

This is my new hero.

This is my new hero, unicycling the San Marcos Pass in Santa Barbara, CA.

I went inside, but there was nothing apply in there - no pie, no turnovers, nothing.

I went inside, but there was nothing apply in there – no apply pie, no turnovers, nothing. Oh, the scourge of ambiguity!

Finally, the power of calf's leg oil in a shampoo. What a country we live in!

Finally, the power of cattle leg oil in a shampoo. What a great country we live in!

Our Christmas Letter

Posted on by under Original writing

[This is a virtual repeat of a post I made to LITL (my other blog) a couple years ago. Time constraints force me to steal from myself. I hope I don’t get caught by me.]

afp2Well, it’s been a whole year since our last Christmas letter.  It seems like no more than twelve months.  How time flies!  We hope your holiday season is filled with great memories, lots of fruitcakes, and few incidents with law enforcement.

Although we haven’t seen many of you in the past year or even the past decade, we just knew you’d want to hear all about our family.  It’s been a busy year, which is why we haven’t visited or written or called any of you.

Once you read what we’ve been up to, you’ll understand.  We sure do!

Billy is our big boy, having just turned 46.  We love having him back at home after his dishonorable discharge from the Merchant Marines last May.  His telemarketing job selling pharmaceuticals has been going fine.  He works so hard, making calls into the wee hours.  Don’t be surprised if you hear from him some night!

Bobby, now 45, is doing great!  His parole officer has nothing but good things to say about him.  The ankle bracelet – which he wears around his neck just for fun (what a hoot!) – is due to come off any month now, depending on the next hearing.  Another good sign: He’s thinking of starting his own religion!  He’s always been the most spiritual member of the clan.

Bonny (our surprise!) is 8 already.  Hard to believe it’s been eight years since she came into this world in the middle of a monster truck rally. (In one of life’s fun coincidences, that’s where she was conceived!) She’s really sprouted since last year.  At 5’10”, she’s able to play youth hockey with the older kids.  All those “vitamins” (supplied by Billy) have really paid off.  She’s also taking belly dancing lessons and is active in local politics.  As you can tell, she keeps us on our toes!

Dad is still unemployed after the fish and bait shop went belly-up six years ago, but he keeps himself plenty busy in the garage with his little projects.  We still aren’t sure what he’s up to out there but as long as he’s occupied, we’re all happy.  Also, as long as the wind is blowing in the right direction, we don’t get the smells or smoke in the house as much.  The great thing is that the most interesting people are always coming by to visit him.  One gentleman with an eye patch and kerchief (Bonny calls him our pirate friend!) drops in daily, carrying the same worn valise.  He must be a very good friend.

Mom passes her time keeping house, playing cards with her friends, and adding to her collection of vodka bottles.  It’s amazing the variety and quantity of bottles out there and she’s always looking for more!

Have a great Holiday Season.  Never forget the reason we celebrate: so we can fill our homes with junk that will break down by this time next year.  Then we can start it all over again!  Woohoo!

All our love…

Obsoleting Reality

Posted on by under Generic Rant, Movies

These are not good days for reality. They haven’t been for some time, but the old boy’s decline seems to be hastening. From all indications, people don’t have a lot of use for reality.

As an entity, reality has been, as we were wont to say in the software world, deprecated. That means it’s still out there somewhere, but you’re discouraged from using it. It’s just as well. It’s getting as hard to recognize as it is scarce.

The reality (there’s that word again) of the situation has been driven home for me most recently with the suddenly huge and profitable enterprise known as fantasy football. Fantasy sports have been around for a while, mostly played out among friends and co-workers. The lunatic fringe started getting involved. That was bad enough. Then it became Big Business, giving us all the gift of legalized gambling in all 50 states.

fantasylandThe fantasy versions of sports have surpassed their reality counterparts in importance to many people. At least it’s called “fantasy” because it isn’t “real”. (Would that TV showed the same discretion, q.v. below.) Unfortunately, some people take it to extremes and trade reality in for fantasy. They forget the actual sport – or worse, interfere with the actual sport! – in favor of the fantasy version. Read “Fantasyland” by Sam Walker for a glimpse at the insanity of it all in baseball.

Worse is when we slap the word “reality” on things that are anything but. It should come as a surprise to exactly no one that I’m talking about so-called reality TV. And by reality I mean fantasy. How did that happen? In this case, reality refers to something that is surreal, absurd, contrived, and a slew of other qualities that are in reality (I mean it this time) descriptive of things such as fiction, fantasy, and general nonsense.

That situation isn’t all that distinct from the average based-on-fact movie today. Maybe in days of yore movies that were about people or things that actually existed were factual. There’s no such pretense these days. Movies simply aren’t telling true stories anymore. In order to squeeze into the save-the-cat mold or whatever other generic screenwriting template is in vogue, films are dramatized often to the point of camouflaging the truth beyond recognition. You see the disclaimers at the end of the ridiculously long credits:

Although this movie is based on actual events that may or may not have happened, none of the characters are real. The settings and dialogue have been fabricated for dramatic effect. Organizations depicted herein are not and have never been and most likely never will be real. The story has been twisted like a Möbius strip in order to maximize income for the producers. However, it is true that there once was a guy.

Movies use a variety of descriptions that, if analyzed correctly, reveal how far they’ve drifted from historical veracity. Here’s a sample:

  • a true story – This means what it says: It’s a true story. You will never see this claim.
  • based on a true story – There was indeed a story once. The movie is a fictional retelling of that story.
  • based on actual events – There were some events. One or two might have accidentally ended up in the movie.
  • inspired by actual events – Forget about it. Any connection to reality is purely coincidental and probably a mistake. You could say this about “E.T.” It could have been inspired by the actual event of a kid who ate Reese’s Pieces and faked being sick so he could stay home from school.

Reality. headstone

I miss it.

Separated at birth?

Posted on by under Generic Rant

It seems to be the Season of the Blowhard. Look who’s grabbing headlines on the sports page and the front page:

RexRyan Trump

 

 

 

 

 

On the one hand, we have Rex Ryan. Erstwhile failure coach of the New York Jets, subsequently hired by a rival team in the AFC East. Now he’s the failure coach of the Buffalo Bills. Why would the Bills hire this guy who is a proven failure? Because he sells tickets and that’s what the game is all about – not wins and losses but dollars and cents. Ownership knew he’d publicly obsess over trying to beat the Patriots, rant and rave about how it’s someone else’s fault when they lose, and generally be quotable. If they’re lucky, there will be some foot fetish humor thrown in for good measure. He doesn’t have to be a success as a coach as long as he’s a media celebrity.

Sure enough, Ryan has gotten plenty of coverage in the sports pages, though precious little success on the field. Six weeks into the season and his players are already rebelling, questioning his coaching. In his absence, the New York Jets are having their best start in years. Coincidence? Yeah, right.

Then there’s The Donald. Nobody in their right mind could possibly want this clown representing the USA to the world. His candidacy is a joke. He’ll say or do something stupid and implode as all joke candidates do. Then it’s feast time for political pundits, talking heads, and editorial cartoonists and the scrap heap for Kombover King.

It’s happened before. Poor Howard Dean got bounced just for screaming, “yeeaahhh!” Who remembers 1988? Gary Hart’s libido and his aptly named boat, “Monkey Business” sank his quest for the presidency. That same year, Pat Robertson finished in front of George H. W. Bush in the Iowa caucuses. Everyone thought he was a serious candidate. He wasn’t. Neither is Trump.

As far as I can tell, Ryan and Trump are twins separated at birth (16 years apart). There’s no “there” there. Their value is purely as entertainment, which works great since that’s what most news is these days. All it takes is a buffoon or other freak frothing at the mouth and the video truck will cling to them like a remora, waiting for a juicy news bite.

Come to think of it, I’ve never seen those two together. Hmmmm…